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19th Birthday.
Aye... 19?
I don't know how to feel, I should be happy, celebrating 19 years of being alive, and yet...
...It's bittersweet, i guess?
Everyone else in my family has good birthdays, they have tons of friends over and are celebrated for a majority of the day. Yet, here I am...
I don't want to make this too heavy, I still want to not vent too often in this area of the journal entries (I'm making a vent page for a reason)
But, I think it's okay for me to let out a little bit here, to put a little more context to how I feel.
Every year after 2020, it feels like i've been gradually getting worse in terms of how stable my mental state is, and while that's an entirely separate rabbit hole i don't want to tackle, it means that my birthday is usually thethe bookmark of "how shitty has your life been so far?"
I say bittersweet earlier because this year wasn't as bad as the giant hole in my emotions (called 2023 & 2024...) but it still felt pretty bleak.
I used to celebrate my birthdays either alone, or with my best friend. And while we did hang out (I even got to invite another friend of mine..!) It felt... cold?
It wasn't as... happy of a celebration as it was before, and that's saying a lot since, again, '23 & '24 were PRETTY bad.
It's a pretty big blow to my creative side as well, between 17 and 18 i drew about 25 complete artwork with some sketches here and there...
but between 18 and 19?
i drew 5. with barely any doodles.
I guess that could be balanced by the fact that I recently made this website, which so far I have been really happy with the result of, as well as me starting work on Partitioners, the Roblox Story/TD game that I really hope doesn't end up like my other, incomplete projects.
It hurt when I lost the motivation to work on Frozen Fates so early into development, all because I couldn't look at any sprites that i drew and say that i liked how it came out.
I do hope that things get much, much better on my path to 20.
I feel like things can only start going up from here, I got a new hyperfixation and... I think i can confidently say that I've let go of that one special interest of mine that was only causing me more harm than good.
That's a... pretty big achievement, for me at least.
And, I got this journal page now. I finally have a place to let out my thoughts and... well, I don't know if anybody is even reading these. But that was never really the point, was it?
If anyone IS reading these then I do appreciate that you took the time on this... broken, unfinished website.
Yap yap yap, I know, this was meant to be about my 19th birthday, but i kinda let my brain wander a bit while writing, heh.
There's not much more to say...
I mean, you reading this is practically a gift already, so thanks.
bye~